I can never win.

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So i'm back to 153... This is ALWAYS The hardest part, every time i diet. I get down to 150 and then i can't get anywhere from between 150-155. My birthday is next week, so till then i'm going to be eating few and healthy. Then on my birthday i'm going to have to screw it, since my auntie, grandmother, her friend and sister are coming down to my house and they now how to eat. As soon as that is over i'm going into hardcore mode!

I'm trying to get in on an art scholarship to this 4 week animation/illustration camp in Philly this summer! It's in June so that gives me about 116 days to lose 38 lbs... That's absolutely doable, even if i loose 2-3 lbs a week, i can reach my goal of 115 (or until my thighs don't touch, boobs are no longer a problem and i can see hip and collar bones) . After my birthday i'm probably going to go on a fast, since i will have totally binged the days before.

Okay math time... So in order to reach my goal of 115 by June 21, the first day of camp, i have to lose .3 lbs a day. That's about 16 1/2 weeks, which means at the LEAST i should be losing around 2-3 lbs a week, which i can surpass easily. I've just got to get my head in the game... I keep losing sight of the goal, but i've just got to keep it in mind and i know i can do it!

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The Flower Show in Philly is next weekend and we're doing it for my birthday (sorta...) so i'm hopefully going to wear one of my lace dresses (: I'm very excited about this! But in order to do so, me and my mother are going shopping for a white or creme colored bra, and i've set my new goal.... On March 7 i need to be 145. 10 to loose 8lbs. I CAN DO IT!! I promise you all i will try my very very VERY best to complete this goal! And with that, i'm going to head down stairs, make some tea not eat anything til dinner tonight (my mother and I and her friend and daughter are going out to olive garden, I'm getting a salad, i love them so no worries! )



~A Dreamer ♥

Really bad.

I've been so sick these past 2 days...

Not like vomit sick, just feeling awful, really stiff and i've been having awful pains in my waist/hips area... I know it's not that time of the month, since i just had it, but it's so horrible. My moms been making me eat foods taht are (of course healthy!) but rich in nutrients since i've been most likely missing them. My iron is probably really low too since i've been drinking around 2-3 cups of tea a day.

I don't know what to do. I'm still at 150, but i don't know how i can reach my goal of 135 by my birthday if i can't properly fast? I think i'm going to have to change my goal to 140, or get past 145. I know i shouldn't set my goals so high in the first place, but i really thought i could do it. My mind is still in the game, but my body is quickly giving up on me...

But then again- I'm also wondering if my body is becoming all crazy because i'm not eating, and i should continue to not eat a lot and my body will return to normal? Gosh i really don't know what to do.

I'll figure it out eventually...

~A Broken Dreamer ♥

Back down again.

So i'm back down to 149.8 right now. I mean last time i was close to 148, but regardless at least i'm finally out of the 150 zone! Yesterday i had 3 cups of green tea and 4 (well really 2) slices of pumpernickel bread.

Today i've had... 1 slice of pumpernickel, a cup of green tea, 1/2 cup of apple sauce (around 50 cal) 150 calories worth of cheez its, and some fruit drink mango stuff. I've also eaten a lot of prunes so that should help with later. I've got a 200 calorie veggie pattie thing in the oven that i'm going to eat, and that'll probably be the last thing i eat tonight.

I really REALLY want to reach 145 by this Thursday. That would be really nice (:

As for an update on my 145 goal... Based on the stat's that my TargetWeight for Teens is telling me, i've lost 4.2 lbs in 4 days... Which is pretty good (:  That's basically, .95 lbs a day. I've still got 13 days to loose 14.8 lbs... But if i can looes .95 a day, i should loose 12.35 by March 4. That's about 3 lbs off, but it's still close! At least i'll be in the 130 part!


Well i'm going to try and keep myself busy tonight. Less than 2 weeks to my birthday ):   I'm definitely not going to live my year as a 17 year old a big fatty! I will reach my goal of being a 3 or 2 before summer!!

~A Dreamer ♥

And she's back!

So i finally think i've gotten back into the swing of things!

I weighed in this morning at 151.5 lbs and so far today i've eatin this whole wheat antipasta salad, reduced fat cheesits (at least 150 calories) and apple cidar/green tea. Sadly, i went to be VERY late last night so i'm hoping that i can get to bed by at least 1 tonight and get a good nights rest. I know that getting a good amount of sleep can really help with not being so hungry.

Anyways, that's all i plan to eat today, aside from some prunes and more green tea. On my weight graph it shows so far that i can reach 135 lbs by March 2, but i know it's only based on that i was able to loose 2 lbs in 1 day. I think i'm going to keep today really simple...

I was just thinking the only way i don't eat is when i'm sleeping, showering, drawing... So i'm going to finish up my homework, get done with at least 3 lessons in Mythology, 3 in math and hopefully finish up my essay for Science. Iwanna work on some artwork tonight, and then for about 2 hours, then take a shower and get to bed nice and early... Maybe i'll take some sleeping pills and get to bed at 11 or something. I'm not sure...

It's 3:30 pm right now, so i've got *does the math* about 10-11 hours to spend NOT eating, which i can do. I really thing creating a schedule is good for not eating. Like the only time i can eat is if i'm watching tv, or sitting down at the dinner table.

So i was drawing last night, and i seriously HATE the womens human form... Like there's nothing i find about it that i like at all. I prefer to draw boys because... They have no curves, flat and short hair. Not that i want to be a boy, i love being a girl. But i'm quite jealous that boys have some of the body aspects i wish i had. It really makes me not want to eat though...

It's like, Boobs= Fat, so until i have no boobs, then i will be able to say "I am not fat in any way." that's my goal. I know i keep saying that, but it's one of my biggest motivators!


**I'm not going to be posting the links anymore, the pics aren't by me, from another site.**

Awful.

I'm 154. Almost 155. How did this happen?

I was doing so well the past few days, then my pounds just started adding on... I'm so upset. And tomorrow my mom is taking me out to dinner for Valentines day and i'm so fat!? How am i supposed to look nice now? I feel awful, i look awful, and worst of all, i can't figure out why? I mean i'm not eating that much still! So far today i've eaten a handful of peanuts and chocolate chips, and green tea. I've been surviving on gum starting yesterday and i'm just so disgusted with myself that i could just gain so much when i was almost at my 20 pounds lost weight! How do i expect to be 135 by March now? I've got about 20 lbs to loose. At most if i starve myself each day i'll loose at most 10 lbs... And i can't find my laxatives or get the balls to purge on my own. I've got 18 days to loose 19.7 lbs. I'm really gonna have to pull this outta my ass.

Now that i write this i'm starting to think of why i am be eating so much... I've been going to bed at around 6 or 7 am each morning, waking up at 11... So at most i'm getting 5 hours of sleep each day? I know being sleep deprived can make you hungry... So starting today, here are the new rules...

~ Be asleep by 2-3 am (or getting at least 9 hours of sleep a night)
~ No eating after 8, only tea or water
~ Weighing in each day


One of my ana buddies gave me a great tip. What she does is limit herself to eating a few things. Mine are going to be... Reduced Fat cheezits (30 are 150 calories i believe) Tea, extra gum, and i think that should be good.

I'll get back to you tomorrow and see if i've done any better!

Bad...

I'm not doing very well... My last recorded weight was 150.2 and i'm sure i've gained a pound or 2. I feel like i have atleast. I can't be surprised however. I feel like i've been eating more than usual these past few days. A lot of peanut butter... The only good thing about PB is it makes you feel full since it's so thick, but of course it's really high in calories. This is not good.

taken from this site

I think i'll have to go back to eating dinner instead of lunch, since it all went bad when i switched. I'm better at fighting off hunger during the day when i'm busy, but at night it's so difficult. I'm going to weigh in tonight before i go to bed, and then tomorrow morning to see what the deal is. I'm expecting to weight around 153. I hope i'm wrong. I can't find my laxatives either! I think my mom hid them or something. If i knew where they were i could take a few and hopefully get back to normal. I'm gonna keep looking for them however, and if i can find em, i'll start taking them each day till i get to my goal weight of 145 (short term)

135 is my goal for march!! My birthday is March 4th and i'm NOT going to be a fatty. I'm going to be thin enough so that i can go out and buy some really nice things, dresses, skirts, anything i can! I'm so sick of being a big lard ass on my birthdays, and it's my 17th birthday! I've got to look nice, there are no excuses as to why i should be huge.

That being said... I have 35 days to loose 16 lbs... That means about 5-6 lbs a week... I can definitely do it! I'm just gotta to... Focus! I might attempt the tea fast again, or just the regular, no food or drink fast in general... Depending on what i weigh tomorrow will decide it for me.

~A Dreamer ♥

Finally... It's over.

We're all ladies here, right? Well for the past 5 days, i've been having my period.... And as many know, cravings for food are at an all time HIGH. That being said, i weighed in this morning, at 151. I'm glad though, only because i weighed in a day ago at 153.

So tonight me and my mother went out to dinner... I wad and got a hamburger and french fries.. TO make up for it i'm going on a tea fast! Of course i'll try to go for as long as i can. but i'm hoping to just do a day at least.

Not much else to report, but i hope that everyone is doing good! My goal is 135 by end of Feb!

~A Dreamer ♥